This year, one of my New Years’ Resolutions is to understand the financial world and not just glaze over when I find myself in a conversation about stocks and bonds and mutual blah, blah, blah… See? I’m already bored. This resolution definitely has its challenges.
I feel like it’s important to learn about finances not only for me, but for my kids. By the time they grow up, I certainly don’t want to just fling them out into the world completely oblivious with a few credits cards in their fists. Have fun getting into crushing debt, my Sweeties!
So, in order to kick-start my path to Gordon Gekko-dom, I subscribed to Money Magazine. It might as well be written in Chinese at this point, but I figure if I can read and understand Money Magazine by the end of the year, then I’ve really done something — and I can go out and celebrate by blowing a whole bunch of money at Target! Wait. Wrong answer. This resolution is already starting to annoy me.
But so far, the only obstacle I’m encountering while trying to figure out Money Magazine is that I keep getting distracted by the ads. You can discover a lot about a magazine’s readership by what companies sell advertising in it. And since I’m always reading magazines like “InStyle” or “Parenting”, I’ve gotten used to ads targeted to shopping-obsessed women or stressed out and tired moms.
Which means according to the advertisements in Money magazine, I think I might be the only woman reading the magazine. There are no ads targeted towards me at all. Apparently, the rest of Money Magazine’s readership is entirely made up of white men over fifty who are totally freaking out about their penises.
Almost every single ad in Money Magazine is some drug that promises the aging white man that he can once again have a rowdy, back-talking, mechanical bull-riding, snowboarding, frat boy penis. I discovered two things about this – First, I didn’t realize this was such a problem for men and secondly, I didn’t realize the apparent lengths men will go to in order to reclaim their high-functioning pickle of yesteryear. We’re talking about some pretty major possible side effects to these drugs – side effects so ridiculous they sound like a Saturday Night Live sketch.
All the ads are great – don’t get me wrong – but the ad for Axiron is my favorite. I laughed so hard at the insanity of these possible side effects that my husband said, “What are you reading?” I only managed to choke out, “Money Magazine!”
Okay, are you ready? I just have to read you the possible side effects for Axiron (A drug that you rub in your armpit to increase your testosterone.)
“Axiron can transfer from your body to others. Stop using Axiron and call your healthcare provider right away if you see any signs and symptoms in a child or a woman that may have occurred through accidental exposure to Axiron.”
Signs and symptoms in children may include:
Enlarged penis or clitoris
Development of pubic hair
Increased erections or sex drive
That’s strange… I’ve never noticed little Johnny to have a beard or hump the slide at the playground before…. I wonder what it could be. Do you think he has a gluten allergy?
The possible side effects for women include:
“Women should avoid contact with Axiron if you are pregnant or are breast feeding. Axiron may harm your unborn or breast-fed baby.”
Okay, if that’s not reason enough to avoid this drug and accept your wiener “as is”, here are the possible side effects for men that use Axiron:
If you already have an enlarged prostate gland, your signs and symptoms can get worse while using Axiron. This can include:
Increased urination at night
Trouble starting your urine stream
Having to pass urine many times during the day
Having an urge that you have to go to the bathroom right away
Having a urine accident
Being unable to pass urine or weak urine flow
(By the way, fellas, urinating on yourself is kind of a turn off for most women. You might be solving one problem, but creating another.)
Also Men using Axiron should know they have a –
Possible increased risk of prostate cancer.
Or could have –
Swelling of your ankles, feet, or body.
Enlarged or painful breasts
Problems breathing while you sleep (sleep apnea)
Blog clots in the legs. This can include pain, swelling or redness of your legs.
The most common adverse events using Axiron include:
Skin redness or irritation where Axiron is applied
Increased red blood cell count
More erections than normal
Erections that last a long time
Wow. That’s a lot of possible side effects. It might make some Axiron users so stressed out they want to have a cigarette. Don’t!
“Axiron is flammable until dry. Let Axiron dry before smoking or going near an open flame.”
Okay, so there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is grandpa walked by a candle and burst into flames. The good news is he was on his yacht so he just jumped over board. The good news is only his breasts burned. The bad news is — Grandpa has breasts.
That’s pretty much all the side effects. I realize that I could have been reading Money Magazine this entire time instead of writing down a bunch of possible side effects to a drug that in no way pertains to my life, but… well, I had to share. It’s my way of saying, “Happy Friday.”
And for all those guys out there that Axiron could possibly pertain to (and just love reading mom fashion blogs) — I have a message for you –
If we’re lucky enough, we all get older, and when we do, things change and we must accept these changes with wisdom and grace. For example, I’ve given birth to three very large babies. This beautiful fact changed my body. I can complain about it all I want and go to futile lengths to try and reclaim the privates I had in college, or I could search for a bright side. Like, If a robber ever broke into our house, I could hide all of our valuables inside my vagina.
See, there’s always a silver lining. You just have to look for it.
Now back to my ever-so-slow financial education…